Only less than 100 years ago that “Children and adults were warned that masturbation was not only sinful, but very dangerous–sure to result in severe health consequences, including blindness, infertility and insanity. Children were subjected to an array of “treatments” meant to dissuade them from this victimless crime–ranging from the barbaric (spiked penis cages, carbolic acid applied to the clitoris) to the comical (intentionally bland foods like Graham crackers and corn flakes were thought to suppress the adolescent male’s libido). As late as 1936, Holt’s Diseases of Infancy and Childhood, a respected medical school text, recommended surgical removal or cauterization of the clitoris as a cure for masturbation in girls.”

So the shame, fear, stigmas and dogmas all layered into the collective psyche and genetically living in the soma (the body) around masturbation is real

So first of all, I have to say – there is nothing wrong with masturnation as it is. I’m all for relieving tension is an effort to feel a sense of pleasure and release, however short lived it may be. I’m writing this post because it’s not the act itself that I have any quarrels with, it is how it is being done. So hear me out…

For those who don’t want to read and rather skimm through to satisfy the titles promise quickly – which ironically is what I’m referencing to in the “how” up above… here’s the “too long didn’t read” version 😂

Tldr; awareness, intention, self pleasure, cultivate unconditional love, acceptance, no goal/unconditional, treat your pleasure/body as sacred.

Loving unconditionally is at our core, but the majority of us have never learned this. We have learned that love is transactional. In the average household we are given praises and rewarded for perfect grades, doing our chores, performing in sports, looking a certain way all dressed up & “nice”. That’s if you grew up with some sort of role model in your life. For others without parental figures they may never receive any affections or affirmations and their only attention being when they did something extreme against societal beliefs. They were given the message I am only loved when I do things that are perceived as “good” and for those that never received any praise they believed there is something wrong with them. Then alternatively when you don’t do these things, there’s crickets, creating the message that you are not loved. Children sense this, and as a person ages it stores into the subconscious as part of an identity. Developing a self concept that is built on a foundation of unworthiness, low trust, and competitiveness. Creating an identity that is chasing achievements to prove to parental figures that “I am worthy of love” in the only way they know how. This leads to working overtime consistently and chasing numbers which all ultimately leads to burn-out and an early grave due to stress and neglect of personal care. Over years of this identity, the do-er inside, little “i” we will call it, learns that love must be earned. We must do something in order to be loved and for so many others they reject love entirely. Creating a concept that says “who I am is not lovable” and/or “I am unworthy of love”, I must do something to have love. This creates behaviour traits with an underlying motive to fulfil unmet needs for love, validation, and belonging whether it is consciously unfavourable or troublesome.

Many will gravitate more to anxious or avoidant attachment styles with people-pleaser tendencies – which is a human tragedy (more on this in a future post). Ultimately resulting in relationships built on transactional love and intimacy. Giving love and sexual favours out of obligation because deep down we fear losing the little love we get out of those relational interactions. Thus receiving mediocre effort from lover(s) in relationship and pleasure while the other over gives. This model doesn’t work because it perpetuates the “I’m unlovable and unworthy of love” story.

When you’ve been programmed a certain way for 10, 20, even 30+ years it requires new skills to create new thoughts and physiological re-patterning for any change. This change must be experienced through the body to allow a metamorphosis to take place. Moving the body in a new way, feeling, sensing, expressing will allow you to be in your body in a new way. Small but consistent changes are how transformation happens and skills become new habits and then into a new identity.

When it comes to relationships, whether it is a romantic lover-ship or in relation to yourself, loving is a skill. When a skill is not developed it becomes stagnant and outdated. Over time loving becomes a habit, this is commonly when sexual attraction and libido loses its lustre in long term relationships. Boredom creeps in and resentment grows. Masturbation may be the only form of loving or pleasure one is enjoying and connecting with physically or intimately. How you rub, tug, or caress in solo practice can be used as a way to relieve stress and menstrual pain, release sexual tension, help us sleep and regulate hormones. Masturbation connects us physically which may help with self esteem and body confidence but overtime this becomes mechanical.

When masturbation becomes a healing practice of self love one connects with your body (vagina/genitals) spiritually, energetically, physically, & emotionally. You immediately take a huge stride to healing shame. Shame around your physical body and who you innately are. This is when masturbation turns into Self Pleasure™. Self Pleasure will build confidence, attractiveness, presence, peacefulness, joy and more pleasure felt in every cell of your body.

Okay So How do you Self Pleasure™?

Masturbation becomes a self love meditation by learning how to Self Pleasure™. When you prioritise awareness over thoughts, become present to the sensations felt in the body, and remove the goal to orgasm. Using the tools of sound, breath, movement, and your touch to guide yourself deeper into the body. Breathing deeply and making orgasmic sounds are powerful ways to spread, expand, and loop, and build sexual energy. Whether there is a peak experience or not is of no concern. The main intention of this practice is to be with the sensations that are present. This de-conditions the little do-er self to release the goal and slowly begin to peel back the layers of conditional loving.

-> I share instructional videos, guided meditations and more on self love here.

Try it out yourself:

Step 1. Set up a sacred space with soft pillows and blankets, whatever lets you feel cozy and yummy scents and candles if you have. Dont skip this step as it really turns up the tone for all your senses and deeper aspects of the yourself.

Step 2. Select music that slows down thoughts and gets you into your body. It would be good to use a playlist that gets your blood boiling in the most juicy way.

Step 3. Commit to a set time, 15-30 mins should be fine but this is your time to dedicate to you so you decide on the length. 

Step 4. Begin your Self Pleasure ™ wherever you feel most drawn to touch on your body and allow yourself to explore in ways you may have never given yourself permission to before. Remember there is no goal here, only a time judgement free and curiosity driven.

Step 5. End off your practice with your hands on your heart and say words of affirmations and gratitude to yourself for the devotion to your love and erotic innocence.

If you tried the practice write your thoughts down on a paper about what you noticed, the thoughts that came up and what you felt. Then celebrate the shit out of yourself because you just tried something new in service to self love and erotic empowerment!

Thank you for your presence, with devotion Chelsy xx